Finding your future Mrs Right and not a(nother) future EX wife Part 2

excerpts from a response of what NOT to be if your a guy looking for a gal that is a keeper and my response

With all due respect, this 'ebook' is teaching guys
to take it in the gonads from girls and be passive
aggressive which is the very root of the problem anyways.

I can see where you might think that as a first reaction,. Think about it and reconsider. Inline response

Please clarify something , Are you speaking as a man who has a cruising wife that is happy with the life style, as a man seeking to “covert” his land lubber wife to become a cruising wife, or as a wifeless ( ie: single, divorced or widowed) man?

Nothing personal towards you meant by this, just know
the very reason women act like they are "too good for
this" (where this = anything she feels needs to be
better for her sake or her reputation or what have you,
maybe because her parents tell her she needs a big house
or she's competing privately with her sisters who have
four beautiful young kids or her coworkers who all have
BMW's or whatever) is because men in general are not
asserting themselves and their real passions enough to
tell the women to back off & settle down or hit the road.

Yes, there are a LOT of women out there with those issues. There is absolutely NO doubt about that. I know many. I feel sorry for their husbands if you want the truth. We are not talking about men looking for a long term cruise mate being attractive or attracted to those kind of ladies. Women have the right to chose the lifestyle they volunteer for. Many see it as poverty due to cultural conditioning. We are talking about how to get a wife you already have, who does not want to change her lifestyle into being agreeable to doing so or at least finding a compromise that you are both reasonably happy with .

some parts of the ebook are good ideas, like:
tell your partner about your dreams.. yet the very
next idea is basically "if it's threatening to the
relationship then give it up" ... sorry hun.. aint
no way I am giving up my dream, and the more men that
make this known, the better both we and women will
be - they know what they're getting into and they
will enjoy having a man with passion around.

This is NOT, I repeat NOT about giving up the dream. Its about using tactics that accomplishes that dream by getting a normally reasonable wife on YOUR side by using what I am going to call universal law to obtain what is desired, which in this case is a cruising wife.

Have you ever heard the expression be careful what you do as it will come back and bite you on the butt? Mom had a rather interesting twist on that. Be careful what you do as it will come back and either bite you on the butt or kiss you. Some call this karma. The purpose of the love dare is to change the “karma” in the relationship so that your partner is on your side. Obviously there is no guarantee. Say you are wed to a woman that simply married you for your job, the house etc as you described, it may not work. If your wife is so immersed in the cultural mindset that she cannot possibly get out of it, it may not work, You won't know if you don't try. As an alternative to give up your dream or the choice of her or the dream, unless you have a better idea, it is worth a try. Why do I say this? I just happen to be a woman and I can see the value in the long range effects of these things will create based on what gets under the feminine skin. In plain English I know, as a woman , what would get me and keep me in the emotional state/ good mood, people refer to as being “in love”. People in love do things that there is NO WAY they would do other wise. This is the exact effect a man who wants to “covert” his traditional wife into a cruising wife is seeking.

Men and women both have this incredibly huge capacity to not be talked into doing something they simply do not want to do unless they have an extremely good reason for doing it. How may times do men do things that every one else thinks is insane simply because they are in love? Women are the same. The goal of the love dare is to get your mate agreeable to becoming your first mate. To do this you have to create that environment. It's not going to happen unless you do.

by the way one of the items is "give up lust" hello??
dude what's the purpose of a relationship if that
is given up.. um, might as well marry my best friend
who is a dude! less disagreements if I did that and
there wouldn't be any of these "lust problems", lol.
Lust is what keeps it together with a woman. even
if there's nothing physical going on, it's the intensity
that keeps it alive, come on, even any cheesy romance
movie will show that 100% (tons of lust lust lust going
on all the way until the very very end and then, ok,
they got together, story's over! it's a boring story
after that lust is gone!).

You are thinking like a stereotypical male. I do not doubt a LOT of men will agree with you . This is not about getting men to agree, It is about getting your wife to agree to become a cruiser.

Lust or desire for your wife would be appropriate although as a woman I would hate to count on just lust or physical attrction to maintain the relationship after many years. It is not referring to lusting/ desire for your wife. It is referring to lusting after things that are causing pain or contention or other wise hurting your marriage.

When conditions are tolerable, most woman will stay in a marriage long after the lust is gone, hence the “bored house wife” Her being willing to have sex is not necessarily an accurate marriage barometer. It is when she is not willing that most men MIGHT realize they messed up. When most gals get to THAT point, it is because of long term issues that most men are completely oblivious to. This why when all of a sudden she walks out or find out she cheated, they are so shocked. They never saw it coming because of similar assumptions on many different areas.

the secret is this, and any smart woman over 40 will
easily agree after her thin excuses are dismissed, that
the female charms are fading with her age, and they're
lucky to find a guy who doesn't drink or abuse or is damn
boring or even downright smelly or 100 pounds overweight.

Let me see if I understand your comment, According to you , any gal over 40 is fortunate to have a guy who is reasonably fit, non abusive, nonalcoholic, bathes regularly and does not bore her to tears? I doubt any woman in this group who read that would not find it demeaning.

Define abusive? Are you restricting the field to just physical abuse or do you include mental and emotional abuse?

If all your wanting is your definition of a “ smart “ woman over 40 and you fit that criteria, them by all means go for it. There are a lot of women out there who's low self esteem that will settle for that. I know I have met them. Some do not even require that the guy has a steady paycheck. The world is full of desperate women that will settle for any thing that stands up to pee. If that is what your wanting to find, may I suggest your local bar, church, supermarket, civic organization, online dating service etc. Why settle for over 40? The field abounds with younger woman who do not have any criteria above that.

I may be wrong here and if I am please clarify, according to your statement telling her your dreams is ok, but the impression you give me is shes lucky to get a man if she is over 40. Is that man supposed to care about HER dreams or is she supposed to abandon her dreams just to get this non boring, non alcoholic, not abusive bathing man?

Sooner all the good captains realize this, the better
sailors will be - well, maybe there are a very limited
number of good captains too, considering the dudes around
the dock here... ha.

The “dock flies” that abound in any marina are a given. There are no doubt a lot of “good captains” are out there. Just because a man is incredibly competent in the area of heading a boat or ship does not mean he has the skills to maintain a healthy ltr.

The feminine equivalent would be just because a gal is incredibly competent raising children and running a house does not mean she has the skills to be a good wife. Solid marriages take real work. The couple has to find out what works for them. Over tine this translates into what I am going to call marriage skills. The whole goal of the love dare is to introduce those skills ( good karma) one at a time to change the dynamics of the relationship. Men and women have been using these technics for quite a while with good results. You impress me as a man who has an incredibly biased double standard. The impression you have given me is you see women as something to be used. If I am correct, the love dare is probably not something you are going to be interested in actually doing on any level. That is fine. It is your choice.

I completely agree that it is hard to let go of "the
house" because there are so many memories attached to it.
all the furniture, etc, all of it has a related story,
some of it hand-made by close relatives as gifts.
I still have an old old old wooden table hand made by
my grandmother, I haven't been able to part with it,
it's in storage. I am sure this is 100x stronger for
women who are usually the more sensitive bunch.
hey, life moves on, gotta "leave home" sometime just
like adolescence, unfortunately I guess women don't see
it like a "next step of growth in life" to give away
everything possible & keep only the prizes in a small
storage unit, in order to seek freedom on the sea..
however long that chapter lasts..

It is SOOO incredibly much more then that.

So I would say.. it is definitely a marginal idea to
peddle anything that even hints at the idea of guys
bending over & taking it in the behind just cause
girlie needs this compromise, or girlie needs that
compromise. Well, maybe the "yucky guys" need that
advice.. assuming a guy is stable & clean, such advice
does more harm than good from nearly everything I see.

Just for grins and giggles I'm going to throw this at you , If a woman read this from HER view point wold you think the things you are objecting to are still “marginal” ideas?

I decided to participate in this thread because over the years I've seen a lot of men clueless as to why they are not having the LTR they want. The idea is hopefully share some info so they can catch on as to how to reverse that slump.

First of all if your single and looking you have to accept the old law of supply and demand. Gals with this mindset built in are in extremely rare supply and there is a HUGE demand even for the 3 bag ugly ones, once the guy gets to know us, if we have a half way decent attitude. Is it possible you have not realized that? I got proposed to 5 minutes after I met a guy just because I am building the Toy. He was dead serious. Consider a gal who either has her own boat or is working seriously on getting her own boat. The number of LOSERS that in itself draws is astounding. It is like honey to flies. Do you honestly think we are so stupid we do not realize that? I have no doubt in my mind that if once I got my personal criteria for me met, if I placed an ad in any singles site with a photo of the boat, Id get more email them Id have time to answer from men who would not normally give me a second glance. Why? Because of the boat.

Please do not take offense at what I am about to say, I am trying to be kind and show you the respect and honesty of shooting straight from the hip. As a woman, I find your view point insulting, mentally abusive and demeaning. I would not give someone with your attitude about women a second glance. It appears you have missed the point entirely and considering your expressed view point I can see why.

Just FYI: I'm 54 (well over 40) , single by choice, since I have met way to many men with your viewpoint. I was married to similar attitudes on more then one occasion. Need dentures, out of shape, and I don't know when I last saw my bottle of oil of olay. All of which are on my “personal” criteria as mentioned above, once I get this house sold and out of this land locked area because MY PRIORITY is getting my self out of this house and onto a boat. Once I achieve those goals and my boat goal IF the man of my dreams actually arrives, I can absolutely guarantee he will not have your viewpoint. YUCK!!!!!!!!!! I sincerely hope this helps you .

Sail safe and happy hunting

Barb

Finding your future Mrs Right and not a(nother) future EX wife

This is something I posted on a yahoo group.  the thread was about finding women who actually enjoy sailing and how giving up home and hearth to live on a boat and take long term cruises goes against the girl mindset.. since I'm not sure of copy right laws in posting what someone else put on a group I m only posting my responses.

*************************
1st Post
Hi Wow! That'a quite the question. I'm a woman so let me ask you some questions from the purely feminine perspective.

Rule one: if you want your wife ( and family ) on board with this idea the
first thing you have to do is get them / her on board, literally. she has to
feel safe with this idea or there will be hell to pay.

do you and your wife ever go boating on a regular basis or is this something
that your throwing at her out of no where? as in her private reaction ( that no
wife ever lets her man see from what I am told ) as a land lubber is WOW I did
not see that one coming!!!!!

I keep seeing this same type of question asked so Im going to put my foot in
here and share some stuff men just do not think about. Women are territorial
creatures. Hubby , home hearth and offspring are what is drilled into our heads
from that first bottle. If you want a gal to do this you have to get her on your
side completely and keep her there. How do you do this? First of all. if she is
not a boater start her out gradually. If your sailing let her learn to sail.
Someone mentioned put her in charge of the tiller right off the bat. That's good
advice. If your hitting her with this out of the blue, your asking her to
"abandon" every thing she knows for a world she is absolutely foreign to for a
couple of months to a year. Its not like you were talking about a car trip for
the week end to Florida. A woman is competent in her own home, Asking her to do
this out of the blue is asking her to violate her instincts. you talking putting
her in a position where she has major inadequacy issues. It takes her out of her
comfort zone and no one likes being in that position.

If your going for more then the occasional over night or day trip, what does the
galley look like? Is she going to hate the way it is setup? Is it going to make
her nuts trying to fix your three meals a day? I think it was annie hill that
covered that aspect of things. Hill and pardy both go into the importance of
having a galley that does not make you crazy. carol touches on it on her site
boat galley.
if she does not know how to run a boat then your asking her to face the
possibility that you might get hurt and all of a sudden she is completely
helpless dealing with something she has not got a clue as to how to cope with.
You mentioned the children. get them involved on a day boating basis. you might
be surprised at how they blossom and become competent.
FUN responsibility is a good way to strengthen their fiber. It is also a good
bonding thing. Just don't tell them this is a character building exercise. its
about having some fun as a family as far as they are concerned.

When was the last time you romanced your wife? Im talking romance NOT adult
relations. hey it may sound nuts but as one possible example, take "day" trips
that cover watching a sun set with her favorite beverage and your arms around
her will make a big difference. Make it part of your personal boating tradition
and see how much farther you get and how much faster. Do some of that stuff you
have not taken time to do since the children were born and get her mind to
associate the female version of "good time" ( ROMANCE ) with boating.


Do you already have the boat? is she a boater? if not , set her up for success .
take her out to dinner, apologize for springing this on her unexpectedly.
suggest day trips, and make sure it is a positive experience for her, do not
mention the long term goal of the ICW, let her gradually work her confidence up
so that its not such scary proposition. gradually work those days trips into
weekends that don't result in it being more work for her then it is worth, if
YOU do the packing and a large part of the prep work so its FUN for her instead
of a major packing and unpacking pain you will make a lot more progress. (see
Annie hills book on that nightmare). let her "skipper" the packing. instead of
having to do it ALL by HERSELF have her tell you how to do it and what to take
so all she has to do is make the list of what to take and you do the packing
loading and unloading . if she ROFLMAO while your doing it laugh with her and
admit your trying but not real great at this. if you laugh together over it she
will probably end up helping you. do NOT take that as a signal saying you can
abandon ship, keep working together on the not so fun parts and you have a
happier wife.
let things develop gradually at at apace she can handle and who knows you might
be surprised.
AS FAR AS THE KIDDOS GO. LET them GET COMPETENT SO THEY SEE YOUR RESPECT FOP
Their BOAT Handling ABILITIES AND YOU WOULD BE Surprised HOW THEY CHANGE. sorry
about caps its this small net book keyboard.
HAVE FUN AND SAIL SAFE


************
2nd post
 this is inherently true. it goes against the girl chromosome. there are ways to get around it however.  now i speak from the strictly girl view point so bear with me. what i have discovered is if the  interpersonal dynamics in a relationship are not good, a guy who comes up with this idea after years of marriage or ltr  aint got a snow balls chance in you know where.  if however that same couple has great interpersonal dynamics , there is a chance he can wean her onto the idea.  it takes time, but just like any thing else it is doable IF handled correctly.
 i posted the love dare ( off topic folder)  with the idea it might come in handy for that problem, ( it is the most comprehensive paper i have ever seen on it even if a person does not buy into the "religious stuff" .

yes there are women who just dont get the fact men have needs to do guy stuff.  it bites but it is true.  some women have men who have the same problem in reverse, some guys just do not get the concept that there are certain things that are simply a "she thang".

 for the guys who are already in a ltr,  dont go jumping off the deep end right off the bat.  go take some trips with other people or rent a boat and take her with , give her a chance to make up her own mind what she thinks about it with NO pressure.  it is a crap shoot. just like any gamble if you dont take the shot you cant win. start out small and work your way up,let her mention the fact you need a bigger boat so she can have an easier time fixing dinner. After you know she likes it, once your sure she likes sailing you might mention you were thinking about getting a bigger boat so the galley would be nicer for her.  let her chew on it,. or if you already have a large enough boat, let her use the galley and ask her in a nice moment if she has any ideas of how you can make the galley ( or other part of boat) more to her liking.  IE: give her the VOTE! if it is feasible then do it.  most women are not completely tyrannical on things given a viable alternative.  if you have been wed long enough she knows your not made of gold bars. find something that works for you .

 if nothing you tried gets you off the dock, other then the love dare i have not got a suggestion that has a chance of working. if her objections are other priorities you could be using the cash on, take her seriously AND MEET HER HALF WAY.  in the movie fireproof his boat money was a major point of contention, had he not been a jerk he would have had a boat and still saved his marriage,  but we all know about saving all your life for the high priced boat and never getting it, so im thinking you all comprehend that aspect.


if your single and looking, my suggestion is avoid high maintenance females, they dont like getting dirty or breaking nails or not getting the land lubber lifestyle fixings. you can spend money on your boat or her 99.00 manicures. pick one.
 I notice neither Annie or Pardy appear to be high maintenance females. I also noticed Pete took Annie out sailing on a sever budget and had her  used to his being an extremely frugal person  long before he popped the question. He did not quiver and let her think he agreed with her, he found out she would work with him BEFORE he proposed. No offense meant to Pete and Annie but they made it work and are good examples of what can be done if a guy uses his head in the first mate department.

 Take a look,( if you have not read the book beg borrow or buy a copy  and read it form this aspect. there is your mentor guys)  the only thing he had going for him was his smarts, a tiny little boat and Annie. She  had the sense to recognize that this was who Pete was and accepted it so over time it worked out. lets face it starting out they barely had a  pot to pee in or a port window to throw it out as the saying goes but they both had the right attitude and Pete let her take it at her pace. You guys are the same way, if a gal throws something at you from left field you need time to chew on it if it is going to work. give the gal the same respect and if she is just not willing break it off and keep looking.Find places gals that really enjoy sailing hang out, I DONT mean the yacht club flies at the bar. We do exist, we are just an extremely rare breed.

part of the problem i suspect is those of us who are  into this dont fit mens " romantic " or "fantasy" much less adult activities "turn on" notions of what men are  looking for in a gal. your going to have to rethink your priorities, if you want the  nails and hair look in bed, you have to consider nails and hair dont sail well.
let your attractions be based on mutual compatibility instead of letting your " other priorities" do your thinking  for you . yes you know exactly what I'm referring to . I had to find a G rated way to say that.
 
just as an example read the page i posted in my blog, scroll down to the woman behind the wrench part. as a rule gals like us are independent breed for  what ever reason. men normally RUN like their life depends on it from gals like us.  it is a paradox to be sure.  if a gal has the salt to want to do this, you have to let her figure out that your worth trusting with her life and boat ( if she already has one). shes not going to let just any idiot be her skipper in life much less on the water. what she HAS to see in you tells her your the one for her and then she has to make absolutely sure she is right.  that takes time. Having a boat does NOT mean you fit HER criteria!  if and when she chooses to let you see her softer side, you will know it. just dont freak out when she lets you see it, if she cant be soft when she wants to you  WILL blow it! Little things mean a lot!
men seem to think they choose the gal, yes you get a vote but the bottom line is the man only has the question, the gal still has to answer it.
 think  about it,
smooth seas and fair winds.

New Addition to the Family: My Son's New Toy

What can I say, I was in the area, and the price was right. It has three SMALL holes in hull and needs the seats refastened to the side. The largest hole is on the center keel line and smaller then a dollar bill. The other two holes are on starboard stern corner. they are both smaller then a dollar bill folded in half. Technically I THINK an OLD fashioned silver dollar would cover each one so it is definitely doable.She has an LOA of a bit over 14 foot. I figure she will ride on the little trailer I bought here a while back or even on top of the van if need be with no problems.


Fixing her up is not a big deal. Patch the three small holes add a mast, sail, rudder, tiller,  lee board and some paint and he is good to go. Considering I already have almost all the stuff to fix it laying around here anyway what with all the house remodeling we have been doing plus the stuff I bought for the Toy and V 22, he is good to go.  Yes I reserve the right to take it out and play with it as a "finders fee". LOL

Update on the house,. It is getting really close. to being done. We have 2 1/2 major things left to do. The rest is a bunch of small stuff mainly touch ups and detail work. Time consuming yes but its getting there. Hope to have it done in the next week or two. If all that mundane stuff in life will just put itself on hold I'm in good shape. ROFLMAO.   Then it is kill down on getting the rudder on Venture done and focusing on that. Hopefully this heat will cool off. It has been averaging over 105 degrees since the first of June. I'm coming to the conclusion I am just going to have to do the rudder after it cools down in the middle of the night. My gut tells me since hot weather makes fiberglass set up faster that it would not work doing this when it is 100 pus degrees out side. The other idea is bring it inside to pour. Been thinking about that. How bad does this stuff stink is the question as well as how long does it take to get the stink out of the house?

I am NOT looking forward to the idea of climbing into the Venture and working inside in that kind of heat. The good news is while it will be a pain to walk around to get in and out of boat, if I have to I can put a fan inside to pull the air through. For short time periods that should work to get the noisy stuff like sawing, drilling and sanding done. The quiet stuff I can do at night.

Well that's all for now.
Fair winds and smooth seas.

Food: Homemade yogurt from powder milk Part 4

 As predicted it was eaten before it made it to the freezer. Other then a bit tangy it was DELICIOUS!!!!!!! I took " a couple of bites" just to taste test it and before I knew it I had eaten  about 3/4 of it. LOL
The only problem is I flat out  forgot to take some out before I put the fruit and agave in,  so I'm having to start the next batch from scratch. The good news is I still have plenty of  the store bought yogurt to do so. This time I'm increasing the amount of yogurt I add and pre heating the thermos longer.

Food: Homemade yogurt from powder milk Part 3

Wow it has been almost a full 2 weeks since I put the yogurt into the fridge. When I finally figured it was as done as it was  going to get, it was pretty runny. Reminded me of a really thin shake from a fast food place whose shake machine had bit the dust. I put it in teh fridge and figured I'd add some sweetener and fruit to it later and make a frozen yogurt to thicken it up. . Finally remembered to actually go look at it. It looked pretty good. Nice thick and creamy. Taste like real yogurt as in TANGY!
Decided to do the yogurt thing any way just for a treat. Not doing ice cream any more as I have come to the conclusion commercial cows milk ice cream is just not something my digestive track is up to. Put some agave  in it. It taste rally good. Enough tang so you know it is yogurt but not over powering . Added some regular sugar so it don't freeze up like a brick of ice as per Carol's blog and for some extra taste I threw a small handful of the fruit power I dehydrated and some its of dried berry mix in. I want to let it sit over night so the dried fruit will have some time to rehydrate but am looking forward to seeing how it taste in morning,. I might freeze it or I might eat it,. If I know the guys they will want a taste and if it taste half as good as I think it might it might not last long enough for the freezer.  Will let you know how it turns out.